Pushing Forward

Every Peace Corps volunteer has his weakness.  Sometimes it is as basic as missing a favorite food.  At times he has issues with the language.  Sometimes the weather is not to his liking.  Other times, a volunteer will miss his family, friends, or loved one.  Since I have been looking forward to the Peace Corps for so long, I thought that I had safeguarded myself from many of these issues.  The food here is not amazing, but it sits well in my stomach.  I miss my family and friends, but I am able to Skype and write, and most of my friends had lived far from me in the States for the majority of my time after college.  And of course, I love learning languages so that is not an issue for me.  Despite all of the mental preparations, my one weakness has been realized, and I have been trying my best to overcome it and serve as best as I can. 

For the past week and a half my father has been in the hospital in critical condition.  According to word back home, he had pneumonia, which was set on by a combination of viruses, bacteria, and fungi.  He is being treated now, but the cocktail of medicines is now affecting his kidney, which is dangerous since he is diabetic and has already had a transplant.  The doctors are continuing to provide him with oxygen since his lungs are still weak and he is not able to breathe on his own.  Of course, as my father suffers and fights to recover back home, I cannot help but feel helpless thousands of miles away from him.

A Peace Corps volunteer’s best asset during service is a positive attitude.  A positive attitude can overcome and obstacle during service.  However, my positive thoughts are hindered by the trouble back home.  I constantly wonder: how can I help the people here when I cannot help my own father back home?  Despite this struggle, I am trying hard to push forward and stay as positive as I can.  In order to cope with this, I have adapted two methods of thinking through the situation.

First, I pray and hope that my father will recover.  He is a tough man and has overcome many ailments before.  Deep down I have faith that he will pull through and overcome this silly disease.  But these positives thoughts are just as effective as a bandage.  I can cover up the issue, and this coping mechanism is only effective if all becomes well on its own.  Despite staying positive about the situation, thoughts of the alternative always slip into my mind.  What if I never talk to my father again? 

Almost as effective as the first method is the second: even if I were back home, there is nothing I can do to help him recover.  This is his battle to fight, and while he fights his battle I will continue to pray here while serving the people of Macedonia.  All I can do is send supportive words through family and hope that he continues to hold on and recover.  Yet even the second method does not address the issue that, while he is in critical condition, I cannot be with him, talk to him, and feel his presence in the same room.

For a while I have contemplated posting these thoughts on my blog.  I have not shared this information with anyone here- not my host family, not my fellow trainees or other volunteers, not the Peace Corps staff.  The main reason is that I do not want to bring down their positive attitude, and I do not want to gain their sympathy for something that my father is likely to overcome.  But I share this publicly online mostly for future Peace Corps volunteers.  Not every volunteer goes through this ordeal, but I am sure that a handful has experienced this before.  It is nobody’s fault that my father is sick, so there is nobody to blame.  Most importantly, there is no right answer addressing how to deal with the situation.  In my opinion, it is alright to share your struggles with others in your host country to gain support.  It is ok to keep it secret and push on, hoping for the best.  It is also alright to terminate early so that you may support your loved one, or join him or her in the final moments.  Whatever choice a volunteer makes, it will be difficult, and nobody will blame you for the choice you will make. 

So here I am, and here I will be, fighting here while my father fights for his health back home.  I think of him often, especially at night when I am alone and when I feel comfortable enough to cry and pray.  But when I wake up in the morning, I force myself to remember that I am in Macedonia, and that I am a Peace Corps volunteer.  I have a lot of work to do, so I need my positive attitude.