On to the Next One

So I wanted to write one more post before the New Year, especially since I received feedback that my last few posts have been downers, to say the least.  I also want to clarify that the previous posts were in no way complaints about my current situation, and anyways I have more effective means of venting.  But given the age where we social media allows us to pick and choose how we share our lives, I want to make sure that I share the good and the bad, the glamorous and the ugly.  Painting only a positive picture of my Peace Corps experience would take the bite out of the "hardest job you'll ever love" reputation.

Here I am again, a day away from celebrating my favorite holiday and reflecting not only on the past year but on my whole Peace Corps experience.  It seems that my mind is stuck in a state of Peace Corps past, present, and future.  This whirlwind of mental time-traveling and emotions is so powerful now because 1) I am experiencing the third New Year's Eve while in Peace Corps and 2) my life is entering its biggest transition since I started this journey.   

Escaping the smog of Tetovo while exploring Krusevo during the holidays

On our way to see Star Wars

Part of entering this transition is the feeling that I do not know myself anymore.  For three years I lived with a lowered head and a mind engrossed in the whole Peace Corps experience that I have done little do reflect on who I am once I am removed from this setting.  This is "Peace Corps present".  These past years I have tried so hard to integrate and then make an impact that once I remove myself from this formula, I can no longer make sense of what my purpose will be once I return home and move on with my life. 

Enter "Peace Corps future."  As I finish my graduate school applications, investing my energy and hopes into potential scenarios of campuses and fellowships, I am in that uncomfortable limbo of waiting and letting fate decide my future.  One of the main reasons I extended was to continue to do something useful as I applied to graduate schools, but there is always a good chance that I will not be admitted, putting an end to my Plan A.  Thus life immediately after Peace Corps is completely fuzzy, but the remaining months are closing in fast.  In about a week, I will be traveling to the Philippines to celebrate a handful of important anniversaries with my family, and by the time I return I will have about three months remaining in Peace Corps.

Extending in a new city with a developing organization always meant that I would be working until my COS, but it is easy for me to compare these last three months to that of the fellow MAK18s who COS'd in October and November.  In other words, I find myself comparing my February to their August, starting a mental checklist of places I need to visit for the final time as a PCV, people I need to bid farewell, and of course the logistical necessities (medical, programmatic, etc.) required by Peace Corps before I leave. 

But looking to these final months puts me face-to-face with "Peace Corps past".  Reflecting on the past year, browsing through my Google Calendar, I notice how busy I was in Year 2.  I think about the initial feelings I experienced during my first months as a PCV.  I choke up a bit about the small things I used to do with PCVs that are no longer here, or with counterparts or host family members from which I will be an ocean away by this summer.  My own PST in Lozovo seems an unfathomable time away, and I really do not recognize that Chris anymore.  Thus I am brought back to the present, and this twirling whirlwind starts again.

Celebrating Christmas with the sitemates

Dave enjoying his new accordion

Yet what grounds me is this New Year, that I can compare today to exactly the two years previous.  And when the spinning stops, it is gratitude that I feel the most.  The biggest reason is that, for the past two years, my mind was wrapped in my father's health.  Last year I was back in Chicago preparing to donate my kidney (which due to complications, never happened).  Two years before, my father was still in the hospital.  This year he appears to be healthy, and I will see him again on our trip to the Philippines.

Aziz Ansari's final episode of "Master of None" reinforced my feelings of gratitude.  Without giving away too many spoilers, Aziz and his girlfriend eventually find themselves on a crossroad of either settling for what they have or taking one more attempt at pursuing their life passion.  I think I said it before, but this Peace Corps experience was all that I could ask for- everything I envisioned was practically realized.  My PST site, the site of my service, my host family, becoming the Finance coordinator for YMLP, applying for a SPA grant, working within a dual-culture community, becoming a CD trainer- these were all of the things I wanted to accomplish during my time in Peace Corps. 

And I feel fulfilled.  I was able to integrate into a culture and thrive professionally abroad.  I sacrificed almost three years of my youth to help people, and I do not regret it.  Now I know what this feeling is and that it makes me happy, and no matter what I do in the future, I have this sensation to gauge whether or not I am living a fulfilling life.

So "На здравје" to 2015, and may 2016 be an amazing year as well.